Searching for and Maintaining Peace

Earlier this summer I met a woman while helping set up for a women's conference at our diocesan retreat center who I admired for how she seemed to have figured out how to live with Christ at the core from an earlier age than I did. By noticing that, I knew that there was likely a lot I could learn from her. She recommended a book by Father Jacques Philippe, Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart.

Almost three months went by, and a couple of weeks ago I was talking to another woman asking for further explanation on a comment she made because I also recognized her as seeming to be more advanced spiritually and once again the same book came up, so I decided it was time to read it.

It is a brief book at 110 pages and relatively smaller in size as compared to other books; however, it contained insight to so many of the questions that I had been pondering over the last year. Fairly early in on my process of recognizing that I needed to re-align my life to having God at the core this image resonated with me so much that I printed it out and put it on my bulletin board.

Yet, along the way, I recognized that though I was drawn to the concept, I was far from knowing how to implement it. It was relatively easy to lose my sense of peace, and I realized part of my journey would mean re-defining what peace truly means in order to then try to cultivate it. Growth on the worry-trust continuum and all the encouragement over the years I received to lean into trust laid a foundation.

This book helped me to deepen my understanding by providing new ideas to consider, an explanation to some of the processes I had completed intuitively, and overall considerations to help me to self-reflect on my spiritual growth. Divided into three parts: 1) Interior Peace, The Road to Saintliness, 2) How to React to That Which Causes Us to Lose Peace, and 3) What the Saints Tell Us, the book complemented others I previously read about Ignatian discernment (this one and this one by Fr. Gallagher and this one from LifeTeen).

I also noted and appreciated that Fr. Jacques Philippe connected his concepts to some of my favorite Scripture verses, such as God working all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). In this way, it took Scripture that had been speaking to me and guiding my journey towards greater trust and provided me with further explanation of how this could lead me toward growth with maintaining peace.

It also brought up a topic that I have noticed I do not like to think about - spiritual combat. Nonetheless, the way it discussed it helped me to feel a greater sense of peace about the whole topic - not surprising given the title and intent of the book - because it contextualized the purpose in the greater journey towards heaven. For example, "Every Christian must be thoroughly convinced that his spiritual life can in no way be viewed as the quiet unfolding of an inconsequential life without any problems; rather it must be viewed as the scene of a constant and sometimes painful battle, which will not end until death -- a struggle against evil, temptation and the sin that is in him. [...] And this combat is, correctly viewed, the place of our purification, of our spiritual growth, where we learn to know ourselves in our weakness and to know God in His infinite mercy. This combat is the definitive place of our transfiguration and glorification" (p. 9). Lines like that helped me to appreciate the concept through a new lens and embrace it, rather than having a response of fear/anxiety, especially because he emphasizes that it is the Lord's strength that helps us combat these spiritual battles.

In general, this book wove together so many threads that have been on my mind about growing towards God, such as: suffering, great peace, trust, and detachment. It also provided me with some answers about tendencies to ponder the experiences of others and how that links to my own sense of peace.

I am so fortunate for these two women recommending this specific book at this specific phase of my life. Developmentally, it felt like just what I needed and that it was rich enough that I will continue to gain insights from it by re-reading in the future.

My Husband, My Dad, and My Priest

Early on in my marriage I remember the calm of my husband's voice saying, "Paz, paz, paz," the repetition of a single word - peace - in Spanish. I can't remember the context of why I was all worked up, but I remember his soothing words.

***

"I won't be able to come this weekend," I said a couple of years later, trying to get the words out without completely falling apart. I was in my 2nd year teaching in a new community with a newborn and a four year old while my husband was in Mexico for an extended stay. Trips to my parents' house 2 hours away on weekends were my lifeline. It helped me keep it all together. 

Yet, this weekend was going to be different. As I walked out of work and heard an odd hissing sound that I later realized was a nail through my tire, the disappointment and desperation started to rise. I picked up my girls and drove home before calling my dad to explain the scenario.

"Get in the car and go to Les Schwab to fix it," he said. 

"What? I can do that. I didn't think I could drive on it." I said.

The solution was so easy, but I had not yet stopped long enough to problem solve. I had only focused on getting my girls safely home and not driving my car, thinking I would have to call someone to come to me and that it would be a lengthier process. I didn't think about how Les Schwab was not much further than I had already driven to get the girls home and that there was still plenty of air in the tire. I didn't think about how the store would take drop-ins with an immediate need. Relief set in as I realized I would be able to have it quickly resolved and continue on with my weekend plans. 

Later my dad told me, "Man, I don't know why you worry about stuff like this."

***

Almost a decade later I had grown with regards to not worrying so much. I had been able to stay calm through my computer crashing on Mother's Day right as I was completing the last transcription of my last interview for my dissertation. I was able to relax and trust in the process when we moved back closer to home without knowing whether or not our house would sell. Yet, I still had plenty of room for growth, especially with the littler day to day.  

"For every problem there is a solution," my priest would say, along with a range of other comments, such as, "I don't know how you have time to worry about this," or "These are all little things."

***

Along my journey I have realized that I can conceptualize a worry-trust continuum. If I am worrying about something, it means I am not trusting in God enough. Now when I notice my worries, I try to re-direct my mind to God. At different phases and related to different layers of life, my husband, my dad, and my priest all contributed to helping me recognize that rather than allowing my mind drift to worry, I need to keep things in perspective and turn to peace. Jesus, I trust in you. 

Living at the Core 2: The Eucharist

On this Holy Thursday, I ponder with gratitude on the great gift of the Eucharist, the source and summit of our Catholic faith. The Luminous Mysteries of the Rosary that we meditate on each Thursday culminate in the Institution of the Eucharist at the Last Supper. On Holy Thursday we have the opportunity to deeply ponder the Last Supper as a community.

A little over 4 years ago my husband and I had a big decision to make. We were trying to decide whether to stay in the community where we had lived for 7 years or to move back closer to family. In my mind, the decision was between continuing to teach in K-12 education and teacher education for me and between access to dual language education for my girls and being closer to family. 

We had originally moved away from family as I started my teaching career because I wanted to teach and have my girls grow up with access to bilingual education. Eventually, I started teaching at a dual language school the same year that my oldest started kindergarten. It was the dream school both as a professional and a parent. It aligned to my philosophy and there was a special sense of community, both with colleagues and families. 

Whether or not to move was one of the most difficult decisions I have had to make in my life, so I prayed frequently that if it was better for our family in the big picture that we move back closer to home that everything would work out. I let go, and I trusted. Step by step different layers clicked into place. We were back with family, and I transitioned into my role as a teacher educator. 

Nonetheless, a couple of years into the process I still felt those emotional tugs to the community I left behind. In that particular spring I was traveling back there three times in a short period of time for work. As I would approach the community, the memories and tears would come. Facebook posts from my colleagues would have the same effect. There were also the comments the girls would make about missing their school. I was still feeling unsettled. 

Somewhere in between these multiple travels back and forth with physical reminders of both of those worlds and attempts to reconcile my feelings, the bigger picture came into focus as I kneeled down in prayer before Mass. 

At that moment, I realized that the big picture I prayed about was never as simple as whether I would be a K-12 educator or teacher educator. It wasn't even whether bilingual education or being closer to family was a higher priority. Instead, it was about being in a context in which I could more fully live my Catholic faith, a variable that I had not even taken into consideration as a predominant factor to guide my decision making process. I was in awe with just how necessary it was to pray for God to guide the process with the big picture in mind, recognizing that there were so many layers beyond what were predominant in my thought process. I was especially surprised that such a big piece to the puzzle would not be revealed to me until around two years after we made the decision and followed through with the move.

At the point where I had this realization, there had already been some shifts in the rhythms and routines of my days leading me closer to the core of my faith. In that month I recognized that attending daily Mass was possible now in the mix of life in my mid-thirties as a busy mom and professional. It was not something that would have to wait for retirement as I originally thought. 

Prioritizing daily Mass and weekly Adoration has made all the difference. While I still need to focus on trusting more and worrying less and life still feels plenty messy, it has brought a sense of calm and peace when comparing before and after - the difference between feeling like I am drowning by Thursdays and feeling like I am catching my breath and everything will be okay on Thursdays. Over time I have realized that the Eucharist is my most powerful form of self-care. 

This Holy Thursday, I am reflecting on the great gift of the Eucharist and my Catholic faith. 

I love songs like those on Audrey Assad's Inheritance album for reflecting on the glory of God. 

Divine Mercy in My Soul: Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska

I have been receiving the Divine Mercy Daily emails for a little over a year and have heard about St. Faustina in multiple books, such as Divine Mercy for Moms; however, I had not yet read St. Faustina's full diary. Being familiar with the diary through quick glimpses each day vs. reading the full diary beginning to end felt similar to reading the daily readings vs. reading the full Bible.

While I read it in January, for the first part I was taking notes in a journal, but part way through I started marking pages that I wanted to revisit later because it wasn't always convenient to take notes when I wanted to read and the constant stopping was interrupting the flow. As the picture shows, there were aspects that stood out frequently. The qualitative researcher in me noticed trends in what was standing out. While I have not yet gone back through all of my markings and it is hard to capture thinking in a blog post, here is a glimpse... 

I was surprised that I could relate to St. Faustina so much. While of course all of the Saints were real people just like us, sometimes it is easy to forget how relatable they can be. Perhaps that is because we often read about them, rather than their vulnerable, inner thinking that diaries provide - the challenges, the confusions, the joys... 

One of my biggest areas of growth over the last year has been a desire to align my life to God's will but sometimes being confused about which path to take. My priest has helped me to sift through some of those thoughts, especially with the first step of recognizing these confusions and tensions are to be expected. Nonetheless, I would still often pray something along the lines of - just let me know which of these options you want me to do, and I will do it; I want to align to your will for me, but I am confused about which you want me to do. I thought if God would just tell me, it would be so much easier. Then, I noticed in the diary that even though St. Faustina did hear directly from Jesus, it was still a struggle to follow through with some aspects. There were still doubts, confusions, and contradictions. 

I was especially interested in the recurring concept of obedience. St. Faustina felt strongly that she was supposed to start a new congregation but she was also supposed to be obedient, and the two were in direct opposition of each other. Over the last year or so, I have been thinking a lot about letting go and patiently surrendering to the concept that things will unfold when and as they should according to God's will. St. Faustina's diary captured how this can be challenging but that we just need to be reminded again and again to trust, not to worry and to strive to just do the next thing as faithfully as we can. 

My understanding of the word humility has expanded lately, and I am realizing that obedience goes hand in hand. Both are areas of continual growth and both can be challenging, yet I can notice how keeping both in mind are transforming me.

While the focus on mercy was to be anticipated, I enjoyed reading more in depth about the concept in order to better understand and reflect on implications for my day to day life. Last summer I was able to attend a screening of the Divine Mercy film and purchased an image. Having a deeper foundation in the significance makes it all the more meaningful.

As with any resource, concepts in St. Faustina's Diary have connected to other ideas and concepts before, extending my understanding and giving me more to ponder.

Remaining Calm

Yesterday I talked about how a sense of letting go and trusting more often in my life helps to counteract rising stress and worry. Doing so is vital in being able to serve in different capacities and roles in life, including: wife, mother, parishioner, colleague, Director of Religious Education/Youth Minister, and teacher educator. At the start of last year, as part of my one little word - core journey, I wrote, "Begin to live with this mission in mind: Strive to live life according to God's will by nourishing spiritual life and nurturing connections. Conscientiously focus on showing family is important, value self care, and work with joy." Shortly after, I took the Upstream Field Guide course which prompted me to think about my purpose beyond my current context. It pushed me to see beyond this phase of motherhood and my career.

Lately, I have been feeling certainty that a couple of cross-cutting aspects I want to embody and continue to nurture are contributing to a positive culture and joyful interactions. Feeling a sense of calm and peace helps me to better live these two out in my life. I think that is why when I saw this image from Ascension Press on Facebook it spoke to me enough to print it out and put it on my bulletin board at church.

This week I returned to work as a teacher educator after maternity leave and summer vacation. This song keeps coming to mind as I know it is essential so that I don't get too wrapped up in different aspects of life. One of my favorite lines is "Lay down what's good and find what's best." You can hear about the background of the song from the singer's perspective here.

What aspects prompt you to feel stress and worry? What are some things that help you or inspire you to not let different worries or concerns in life turn into bigger issues than they need to be? 

Do the Next Thing

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the concept of "Do the next thing" as part of my growth on the worry-trust continuum. When something seems to be too overwhelming or I am too bogged down with wanting to know how something is going to turn out, I am trying to shift my thinking to what the next thing is and then taking action.

I am a planner and want to think things through, to be intentional. I like the concept of beginning with the end in mind; and yet, I am finding that there are many scenarios lately that I need to let go of my timelines and desire to know and instead trust that God will reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know. Rather than spending so much time and energy on trying to solve the bigger questions in my mind or to feel like I have a strong, solid grasp on the big picture before moving forward, I just need to take a small step forward. Then the next one and the next one. Leaning into uncertainty, I take those steps of faith over time.

By letting go of wanting to have so much control over the outcome, instead, I can pray "Thy will be done" and "Jesus, I trust in You" and prepare to be amazed at how things turn out, the twists and turns in my journey. Having confidence that God is working all things for my good (Romans 8:28) helps to surrender that control and wait for his plans to emerge over time.

Keeping these thoughts in mind, I can see how it makes all the difference with aspects that seem big or small. Anytime I feel stress, anxiety, or uncertainty bubbling up, I can feel strength building to counteract those thoughts - the peace and calm seeping in. I can see how so many different scenarios in my life have led me to this point.

It is of course taking practice, prayer, loving advice, and reminders over time nudging me toward this growth. It feels like it is all in preparation to move toward the big picture of God's plan for me, the work He would like me to do. I take pleasure in seeing different aspects come into focus when looking back, leading me toward a greater sense of trust in the process through understanding aspects in the past that I couldn't have known yet because it was not time.

Where are you at in your journey? What can you do to train yourself toward letting go and doing the next thing, rather than wasting time wanting to know all the answers up front? Where are you at on the worry-trust and control-surrender continuums? How can you grow? How can you support others in their growth based on what you have already learned over time?