Good Enough is Good Enough Blog Tour: Q&A with Colleen Duggan

We are in the middle of Colleen Duggan's blog tour for her new book, Good Enough is Good Enough. Today I am sharing a Q&A with Colleen.

Q: In your book you give glimpses into some of the mentors who have benefited you as you navigated different phases of motherhood. What can you share about finding good mentors to support us along the way?

A: In my own life, I’ve been very fortunate to have found good counselors and spiritual directors. Finding these mentors to help me, however, took prayer, time and energy.

It didn’t happen overnight. 

If you desire some kind of support, I encourage you to begin praying for the right people and if someone comes to mind, approach them and ask them if they can assist you.  Give it a few sessions and if the determine the person isn’t a perfect fit, discern if God has someone else in mind.  There is a bit of trial and error in assembling a support team.  Ultimately, you want to feel comfortable with whoever it is you are working.  They will learn lots of private information about you and it’s important that you trust them. 

Some suggestions:

If you think you might benefit from a counselor, you might check out the Pastoral Solutions Institute.  They offer both telecounseling and spiritual direction over the phone.  Phone sessions can be less threatening than face to face sessions, especially at first. 

To find a therapist in your area, check out www.catholictherapists.com to identify trained therapists in your area who might be able to help you with the particular problems you are facing. 

Finding a spiritual director can be a little more challenging.   The job of a spiritual director is to help us sort out our relationship with God and notice the workings of the Holy Spirit in our lives.  They can also help us identify the best kinds of prayer routines given our personalities and temperaments.  It’s important to remember a spiritual director is not a counselor.

If you desire to find a good spiritual director, Father Larry Richards suggests thinking about a priest who loves the Eucharist.  If that priest is reverent and devoted to Jesus through the Sacrament of the Eucharist, they will probably be a good help to you. 

This tip has certainly proven true for me:  good spiritual directors truly love Christ in the Eucharist. 

Q: Writing honestly about our own lives requires vulnerability. What helped motivate you to move beyond that vulnerability in order to share your story? 

A: When I was a young mom, I desperately wanted a safe space to talk about the sufferings I experienced:  issues surfacing in my marriage, feelings I didn’t anticipate I would have when I became a parent (frustration, surges of anger, worry, fear, etc.), unhealthy habits (poor food habits, poor sleep cycles, drinking too much caffeine, exercising too much or not enough), and even parenting conundrums I didn’t know how to handle. 

I grew up surrounded by addiction and I felt emotionally weighed down by that experience, but I also struggled with some of my own unhealthy behavioral tendencies.  I needed someone to talk to about the struggles I was experiencing, but often when I opened up with the people around me, I often didn’t share appropriately, or the other people couldn’t really hear me because of their own sufferings, or people felt compelled to “fix” me (or give advice!) instead of listening to me with care and empathy.

I felt alone (and the reality was that I wasn’t alone because many people struggle in their marriages and parenting) but when I did share, I felt judged, isolated, and misunderstood.   

I’m a verbal processor, I know what I think once I say it out loud, but I didn’t have a safe place to say things, so I walked around thinking,

“I must be the only one who struggles like this; It must be just me.” 

As I grew in my faith, sought counseling and spiritual direction and frequented the Sacraments, however, I experienced personal healing from deep wounds.  As I got older and grew a little more confident in my vocation, I realized how Satan exploits the notion and sways us to believe that we are alone in our familial challenges.   

After years of direction and counseling, I couldn’t deny the freedom, peace and healing I felt when I brought my struggles into the light and examined them under trained guidance. This work aided my realization that I wasn’t alone, that other people struggled too but many of them were like me, convinced they were the only ones. 

I wrote this book so struggling Catholic parents would know there are other parents struggling too, and that God is there, patiently waiting to heal them and give them hope.

Another reason I wrote so openly about my own struggles is because many Catholics are very weary of sharing the Real Deal.  We always have the notion of perfection floating around in the back of our brains and we are weary of giving scandal to others if we share our sinful tendencies or bad habits. 

But we all sin and have bad habits.

It does no one any good to pretend otherwise. 

Sometimes I think well-meaning Catholics actually alienate others because we are so afraid to share the good, the bad, and the ugly that we never engage in the kinds of helpful dialogue needed to help us move forward.  We stay in hiding and therefore stay stuck in sinful tendencies, bad habits, wounds and secrets. 

We forget that we aren’t saints yet! 

I was so honest in my book because I want the mother feeling the effects of woundedness from her family of origin to know she’s not alone, that she can get help, that there are safe people in the world with whom she can share her heart. 

I want to encourage those really struggling in their vocations to seek help both inside and outside the church.  I want them to know healing is possible and we don’t have to stay stuck in our sin or our woundedness. 

Q: In my own prayer life, I have realized non-negotiables. Can you share a little bit about the rhythms and routines of your current prayer practices? 

A: I think it’s always tricky business to share prayer routines because our lives are all so different.  This is why having a spiritual director is so helpful for me.  If he sees that I’m trying to do too much or not enough, he recommends an adjustment to the routine. He knows me well, knows my life situation, and generally his suggestions are appropriate. 

That said, I’m the kind of person who breaks out into sweats when I see in bullet point form the Lenten practices or elaborate liturgical family celebrations and even prayer routines of others. 

I think it’s important not to make our Catholic faith a series of practices we check off like a to-do list.  It’s good to have a habit of prayer but that habit needs to be grounded in growing our relationship with God, not motivated by our desire to feel like a Super Catholic.

While the prayer recommendations/suggestions found in books and blogs are meant to be helpful (and often are to the readers!), I think there is a danger in looking at a list of suggested prayer practices and seeing only those things I’m not doing (and therefore failing at). OR I see that list and I feel smug, accomplished, and maybe a tad spiritually superior because I’m able to tackle most of what’s suggested. What can I say?  I’m a very limited person.

Consequently, I won’t outline for you when I pray and how.  I will say that I have certain prayers I consider foundational to life and all of these have been assumed under the guidance of my spiritual director.  They fit my life and work for me.  Whether these will work for you or not, that’s up to you to pray about and discern.

• Lectio Devina:  daily reading and meditation of the scriptures.  This practice has been instrumental in cultivating my relationship with God, knowing his will for me in my daily life, and begging the graces from him to fulfill his call.
• Regular Confession: This will look different for everyone but at this point, we try to go as a family twice a month.
• Exam of Conscience:  I use this book recommended to me by my spiritual director and I love it.  The important part of the examination for me is recognizing the GOOD in my day first: the blessings God showered upon me (an encouraging word from a friend, a random act of kindness from my husband) BEFORE I look at my sin. 
• Participation in regular prayer groups/bible studies
• Regular spiritual direction

Q: I loved the section where you addressed the dangers of the negative impact an over-emphasis on academic pressure and too many extracurricular activities can have on families. I recently reflected on struggles with setting and maintaining boundaries with how I use my time in comparison with others' decisions but ultimately realizing that I have to decide based on what I know is healthy for my family and for me. What do you think has been the hardest part about being able to make your own decisions rather than what seems to be typical or expected? 

It's so hard to ignore the Jones’s!  We all want what’s best for our kids and it’s easy to get swept up into the idea that Rocket Camp or The French Club or a trip to the South of France might be just the thing to grow their life experience and minds.

And maybe those things will do that? 

But I wonder about the effects some of these demanding extracurriculars have on the family—how it limits the time we spend together, the number of meals we have together in the evening, and how it erodes a peaceful lifestyle in favor of a frenetic, demanding one. 

Extracurricular are a great tool to hone a child’s skills but if we aren’t careful, they can slowly eat away at family time. 

I’m not against extracurriculars but as a family we are selective about how we spend our time.  When considering a specific activity for one of our six children, my husband, John, and I ask ourselves these questions in order to determine if the sport/club is a good fit: 

1. Do we have the money right now for this particular extracurricular activity and the accompanying equipment to participate in the activity (for us this means, can we pay for it out of our pocket and not put it on a credit card or rob Peter to pay Paul)?
2. What is the benefit of this activity for this child?  What are the downsides of his/her participation?
3. Do we have the time for it right now?  (This entails a realistic look at the calendar of events and our other commitments.)
4. If we commit, will we have the emotional and physical energy left over for the rest of our children and for our marriage, which is our number one priority.

Q: You mentioned that "God calls all families to love, follow, and serve him, but the way in which he calls us to do it looks different for everyone." Can you summarize some of your tips on being able to discern God's will for your life/your family's lives?

A: Discernment requires silence and prayer.  It requires listening to the movements of God in your soul in order to determine if He is calling you towards one thing or another.  Discernment also requires we pay attention to those situations, conversations, experiences, which bring us peace and those that don’t.

What is God calling your family to? 

Only you can answer this question and the answer to this requires prayer and silence. It requires discussion with your spouse and your family members. Once you’ve spent a significant amount of time in prayer and in discussion, I encourage you to write these things down and put them in a family mission statement.  Then, evaluate everything in light of that mission statement. 

Should we go on this vacation?  Well, does the trip fit within our family mission?

Should we enroll the kids in this school?  Does the school fit within our family mission?

Should we put the kids in spring baseball?  Does spring baseball fit within our family mission?

There will be pros and cons to every decision you make in life, but I find that when both spouses are united in their vision for their family and they have defined the mission concretely, it makes decision making much, much easier.

Thank you Colleen for sharing your insights with us! You can find information about other stops on the blog tour here. 

Good Enough is Good Enough

When I first heard about the concept of Colleen Duggan's book Good Enough is Good Enough, I knew it would be a book that would resonate with me. Since she appeared to navigate some aspects of motherhood that I have not yet, I was anticipating I would be able to learn from her experiences. I was even more excited knowing that it was a CatholicMom.com//Ave Maria Press book. I recently had an opportunity to read the advanced reader copy for review purposes and appreciated Colleen's voice and insight.

After a foreword by Lisa Hendey and an Introduction, the book is organized into 5 sections - each labeled as a Confessions:

• Confession 1: I Don't Know How to Master Motherhood
• Confession 2: I Don't Always Take Care of Myself as I Should
• Confession 3: I Don't Know How to Keep My Kids Catholic
• Confession 4: I Don't Like Watching My Children Suffer
• Confession 5: I Sometimes Compare Myself with Other Parents

I enjoyed this creative way to structure her book, and it also alludes to her storytelling style of being honest about the joys and challenges of motherhood, as well as her overall journey from childhood to current life. There is a great sense of humility and a pull towards recognizing limitations and instead relying on God's graces. She ends each chapter with a closing prayer and discussion questions. Though overall the book is about a serious topic, she layered in plenty of humor. 

In the introduction she created a context for connecting to her readers while also recognizing that each person will have their own unique experiences. As I anticipated, Colleen has a lot to offer her readers based on her experiences, while also recognizing that she is a work in progress and still has a lot to learn. I could relate to her referring to recognizing a point in time that her "life had become unmanageable" and the sense that we all have to evaluate our lives from time to time in order to consider our priorities and expectations and then consider implications for growth towards a sense of peace and living aligned to our vocation. She also outlined how she realized she could apply her strengths from her career as an educator to her new context being a stay at home mom. I always love marveling at how God can help us to use experiences from one aspect of our life for a different one in the future in ways we never would have imagined when we were originally developing those strengths. 

Many of her quotes resonated with me, such as:

• "That's partly what makes this whole parenting gig hard: we are always struggling with the weight of our own brokenness while our children struggle with the weight of theirs. It's exhausting."
• "Doing God's will in daily life will sometimes hurt, but it will always bring us peace."
• When discussing the challenges of taking children to Mass, she mentioned, "We didn't know yet that God was using these moments of self-sacrifice during Mass to form us in our vocations [...] Our impossibly high expectations meant John and I felt mostly defeated and discouraged when we attempted Mass, nightly family prayer, reading a small story from The Lives of the Saints, or a liturgical celebration with our kids because we were almost always met with insurmountable problems (also known as normal kid quandaries). [...] We romanticized how we'd like things to be, but we were stuck in the reality of chronic imperfection--our own and our kids'."

I appreciated how she honestly portrayed the feeling of being overwhelmed within the context of being a wife and a mom, considering all the needs we want to meet but feeling too stretched thin to do all we would like to. 

While reading I also noted that her understandings about the role God plays in healing us aligned with another book I have been reading and praying through this year, 40 Weeks by Fr. William Watson. She also referenced another one of my favorite authors, Fr. Jacques Phillipe, as well as other authors and Saints whose lives have inspired me.

I often think about my own journey in recent years and growth on the worry-trust continuum. I enjoyed seeing glimpses into Colleen's life and how she has also grown with being able to place her life and the lives of those she loves into God's hands alongside an on-going commitment to focus on growing in holiness. 

The book officially releases on April 13th, and there will be a blog tour from April 11-20. I am buying a copy of this book to donate to a women's conference in our diocese as a giveaway. If you would like to buy a copy for yourself or as a gift for someone else, there is a coupon code, COLLEEN at Ave Maria Press through May 1, 2018. 

*Note: I did not include page numbers with the quotes since I do not have a finalized version of the book.

The Friendship Project

This summer I pre-ordered The Friendship Project: The Catholic Woman's Guide to Making and Keeping Fabulous, Faith-Filled Friends by Michele Faehnle and Emily Jaminet because I loved their first book, Divine Mercy for Moms. I had some interest in the book but probably bought it more based on the authors than the topic.

I read the book on a recent day of traveling and realized that I loved it so much more than I anticipated based on how they crafted the book and the depth of their exploration. It ended up being the book I hadn't realized I needed.

After a foreword by Fr. Larry Richards to contextualize the importance of the book and an introduction, the book has 8 chapters with a consistent format. Each chapter highlights a virtue and a Saint pair - two Saints that were friends and supported each other on their pathways to sanctification. As a result, the book not only explores how we can individually grow by thinking deeply about the virtues and considering implications for our own lives, but also how we can support each other. In the first chapter they state, "Without the right support system and faith-filled friendships, living your faith is more difficult" (p. 7).

Linking the concepts to the Bible, anecdotes about their own friendships, and the lives of Saints, Faehnle and Jaminet provide a rich exploration of the topic. They also wove together how the different virtues link to each other. Lately I had been thinking about prudence and day to day applications. I was considering how prudence and generosity intersect when discerning choices over time, so I loved how this book addressed both and extended my previous thinking. They were also honest when reflecting on both their strengths and areas for growth in their friendships over time.

In general, I loved the author's craft - the organization, the conceptualization, the co-writing and weaving back and forth between their two voices. I also appreciated how it helped me to better understand myself, the lens it provided to reflect on previous and present friendships, and implications for the future of what I need to nurture in order to have friendships like those described in the book that provide mutual support for growing in holiness. The authors also have a companion website to their book that I am just starting to explore.

Not too long before I read the book, I enjoyed Fr. Mike's thoughts on being intentional about who you spend time with. A priest also just recommended Genuine Friendships. I just purchased it and am looking forward to reading it to see how it complements and extends on The Friendship Project.

Getting Past Perfect

When I saw Getting Past Perfect by Kate Wicker advertised via Catholic Mom as their next book club book, I ordered it right away. Once I started reading it, I realized that I couldn't stop to read along chapter by chapter according to schedule and instead, read through the book quickly.

After a foreword and introduction to set the stage for the book, there are 8 chapters that follow a similar format, followed by a conclusion. Each chapter has a title accompanied by an evil earworm and an unvarnished truth. For example, Chapter 1 - Queen Mommy: Motherhood is Not the Most Important Job a Woman Has. Evil Earworm: Being a mother is the most important thing a Catholic woman can do. Unvarnished Truth: Motherhood is actually not your highest calling. Being a daughter of God is (p. 1). Chapter 6 - I am Mother! Hear Me Roar!: Your Child's Success is Not a Measure of You. Evil Earworm: My kids are my sole custody, and their happiness is a reflection of my success as a parent. Unvarnished Truth: You do not own your children, you are stewards of them. They belong to God, not you, and they are here to fulfill his will--not yours or theirs (p. 69). I found that I enjoyed even just skimming through the introduction pages to each chapters and that this information alone provided a lot for me to ponder.

Then, jumping into the chapters, I appreciated being able to see how her thinking developed these concepts through her personal experiences over time. She writes with humility, not afraid to show what could be perceived as weaknesses (especially through the lens of those evil earworms) in order to share an authentic look at motherhood and the power of seeing it through the lens of the more realistic and healthy unvarnished truths.

She concluded each chapter with a Mom's Time-Out, a prayer followed by a wrapping up reflection with a call to action, an encouraging way to ponder the concepts of the chapter or to make a step toward aligning our lives to them.

Around the same time someone recommended Present Over Perfect. Though I have not bought it yet, it seems like they would be good companion texts. Wicker mentions Brené Brown's work in her book and Brown wrote the foreword of Present Over Perfect.

Catholic Mom Daily Gospel Reflections 2017

I participated in the 2017 Catholic Mom Daily Gospel Reflections this year. Today was the second of three reflections for the year.

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 Today’s Gospel: Matthew 17:1-9

Through the transfiguration, Peter, James and John saw a glimpse into Jesus’ glory. It was natural that Peter had a desire to stay. Nonetheless, there were other plans for his life. We, like Peter, are called to recognize that God’s timelines and will for our lives may be different than our own inclinations. If we are willing to allow Christ to transform us, we have to trust in the goodness of His plans for us and use our free will to decide to cooperate.

When I first started to intentionally think about this concept as an adult, early on my priest drew my attention to Mary and her “Thy will be done.” I had a propensity to worry too much or try to over-plan. Instead, one initial step to transformation was the on-going call to focus my attention on letting go and trusting, conditioning myself to change my mindset.

As I grew in this area, I noticed both peace and unexpected tensions. Once again my priest guided me, letting me know I needed to expect inner conflict, instead of thinking that I would easily know all details of alignment and that all tensions would fade away. Sometimes it is about stepping forward in faith and prayer and doing what we see as the next step, even when it seems counter-intuitive. With time and patience I have been able to reflect with a greater sense of clarity on how God was working all things for my good through those phases of uncertainty. It’s an ongoing process to patiently wait as things unfold, trusting they will happen when and as they should. Just as the disciples fell prostrate, it is important to give praise when we feel a sense of awe upon the recognition of the power of God in our lives.

Ponder:

What is something that is producing anxiety or tension in your life right now? How can you turn to God for support and guidance?

Pray:

Dear Lord Jesus, thank you for gently guiding me to do the next thing, whether big or small. Help me to grow in trust and faith through life’s experiences and like Mary be able to say, “Thy will be done.”

The Catholic Mom's Prayer Companion: A Book of Daily Reflections

My 2017 morning routine typically includes reading the daily reflection from The Catholic Mom's Prayer Companion: A Book of Daily Reflections edited by Lisa Hendey and Sarah Reinhard. After reading the daily readings, I often reach for my prayer companion.

Typically around a page or less, the reflections are realistic to read before getting ready for the day. Aside from the length, I also appreciate the consistent format of having a quote, the reflection, a prayer and something to ponder. Further, each month has a theme, such as Resolutions in January and Calm in the Chaos in May. Often I feel a sense of connection to validate feelings I have been having or my thinking is pushed by the authors.

I began reading the first weeks of the book alongside others as part of the St. Teresa's Online Book Club on Facebook. Though I often did not discuss online (I'm finding that the books we discuss weekly vs. daily are more realistic for me to regularly participate in), I appreciated the sense of community.

I look forward to continuing to read this book for the rest of 2017 and then decide whether to keep it in order to re-read in a future year or to think of someone to pass it on to for 2018.

Catholic Mom Daily Gospel Reflection Team

I participated in the 2017 Catholic Mom Daily Gospel Reflections this year. Today was the first of three reflections for the year. 

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Today’s Gospel: Mark 6:30-34

At one point St. Teresa of Calcutta’s life made me question the concept of self-care. I pondered whether self-care was just something of this world that I should try to minimize in order to focus on her concept of “giving until it hurts.” I couldn’t picture her having time for self-care. However, during the coverage of her canonization, someone mentioned how she found her strength in the Eucharist and I instantly made the connection to the source of her self-care.

A recurring thread in the Gospels is Jesus’ modelling and encouragement of self-care. In today’s we see renewal linked to service. There is an emphasis to come away, find someplace deserted, and rest. The verb “come” vs. “go away” helps us remember the importance of Jesus calling us to self-care with Him. In the midst of the rest in this Gospel passage, there is action on the outside. People in need are in movement toward them. Once Jesus disembarks, he serves.

The world around us will not stop, so we need to find ways to intentionally pull away and rest. As moms fulfilling multiple roles, it is necessary for renewal to come in varied ways. Sometimes we have the luxury of more sustained rest. Other times, we need to remember that small bursts of rest are also beneficial – something to pause, break the sense of rising chaos and then continue on. Being intentional about the types of self-care that I can use in different scenarios, as well as recognizing when I need to shift my focus to renewal even if just for a few moments, have been essential when it comes to attempting to love and serve in the ways I would like. That intentionality centers on knowing the most powerful forms of self-care keep God at the core.

Ponder:

Reflecting on your current context, is God already present in your layers of self-care or do you need to shift something in order to accept the invitation to come away and rest? In which ways could you grow to be more intentional?

Pray:

Dear Lord Jesus, Please help me to prioritize the self-care I need in order to align my life to Your will for me. Call me away to the rest I need in order to glorify You by my life.